A Love of a Jealous Kind

I've been listening to a song today over and over again - ever do that? It's like I'm trying to absorb every possible note and lyric into my soul. The song is "Jealous Kind" by Jars of Clay. There is one line that haunts me - "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar than be broken by a lover I don't understand." Oh Jesus that's me! Isn't it odd that no matter how miserable that familiar spot is for me, it's the first place I run for cover. I'd rather sit in a stinking, filthy heap than allow myself to be broken by the Lover of my soul. All because I don't understand Him. I can't fathom His incredible, jealous love for me. No one has ever loved me like that - I think that's why I don't trust it sometimes. His fierce, hot pursuit of me is terrifying at times.

Here's the words to the song:
I built another temple to a stranger, I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger, sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful, lovers and lies
While you're turning over tables, with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle, thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you, and your love of a jealous kind, love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading, for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar, than be broken by a lover I don't understand
Cause I don't understand

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

This song is so incredible, and I urge you to find it - download it - listen to it over and over again. Let it get down in your soul. I think the ultimate question that comes to the forefront is "Why?" I can't see anything in me that would attract such a love. My only option is to simply receive it - breathe it in - let it permiate every fiber of my being - then pour it back out.