Our Secret

Darrel and I have been married for almost 11 years now. In our society today, that's a long time! We both have a wonderful heritage left to us by our family - examples of staying together no matter what - passed down by our grandparents and our parents. We have determined in our hearts and covenanted together that divorce is not an option for us. We are going to see this thing through. A few years back, God began to speak to me about how my marriage was a reflection of my relationship with Him. He is still teaching me about it today. When I am distant and disconnected in my relationship with Darrel, if I look closely, I am the same way toward God. When I am unable to receive from him or give of myself to him, again I find I am unable to receive from God or give of myself to Him. I started to look through the scriptures to find out just what was expected of me - so typical of my human nature to try to find a list I could perform! God led me to two specific passages.

Now before I share them with you, let's talk a bit about the whole topic of submission. In our culture it is a nasty word. The anthem of our society is "you don't have to submit yourself to anyone!" followed by lots of "hurrahs!" But God feels differently about it - He does expect us to submit ourselves to Him and to others in our lives. For husbands, it's God - for wives, it's husbands - for children, it's parents. That's God's umbrella of authority. When we stay under that umbrella, we are protected from many assaults of the enemy. God is very clear that if our husbands are encouraging us to commit sin, then we are not to submit to that - but when it comes to daily life and everyday decisions - big or small - we are to submit to the final authority of our husbands. Darrel and I discuss everything, but in the end, his word is final - that's the way it will be done. God has blessed our marriage so much because we have chosen to follow His word.

Does that mean that I always feel like submitting? No. Does it mean that I always feel that Darrel is doing things right? Of course not. But it is a choice - we do not live by feelings, we live by faith. Now, let me share these scriptures with you. Ephesians 5:33 says, "However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." 1 Peter 3:1-2 says, "In like manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, when they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him - to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]."

Wow! That's a mouthful - but there's so much wisdom there! If you look at it in the light of 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter), it's easy to see that these things are simply the offspring of true love. Now notice that these scriptures are not if/then statements. As women, we like to say, "Well, if HE would do what he's supposed to do, then I'D do what I'm supposed to do!" It just doesn't work that way. When we want to see change in our relationships, it always has to begin with us. We have to take the first step. If we wait for the other person, we'll be waiting forever. Change begins in us first, then in them. The same is true for husbands - if you want to see changes in your wife, then the first step is yours - you have to begin to change as the Holy Spirit leads and convicts you. When God began to show me the areas of my life where I did not truly love Darrel in this way, it was a big deal to me - I felt like I had had it all together, but I was certainly not loving Darrel the way the scriptures were telling me to. I did not prize him, adore him, admire him, praise him, enjoy him. If fact, I was spending much more time criticizing him, scolding him like a child, punishing him for not meeting my expectations. Then God really got my attention - He began to show me that not only was treating Darrel that way, I was treating my Lord that way as well. I was critical of the way God handled things, I would withdraw from Him to try to "punish" Him for not meeting my expectations. I lashed out at His people because I was unhappy with Him. How humbling.

Today if you are struggling in your relationship with Jesus, take a look at your marriage. If you are struggling with your marriage, take a good look at your relationship with Jesus. They mirror each other - you may think you have a vibrant Christian life while your marriage stinks, but if you look honestly at your heart, you will smell the stench coming from it too. It might be hard at first to find something nice to say to your husband. To find things to praise him for or to appreciate about him. But once you get into the habit of looking, they will pop out at you more and more. I can say today that I absolutely and scandalously adore Darrel. To me, he is the best at everything. Did I always think that way? You know I didn't. He did everything different than my dad and my family. But the more I adapted myself to him and defered my "superior opinions" to his, I began to change in my heart toward him. Now I am fiercly in love with my Darrel and it is easier each day to overlook faults - scripture teaches us that love covers a multitude of sins. That's truth.