A Revelation

I had a personal revelation last night at Mosaic...I am a worrier. I come from a long line of worriers, but I never considered myself a part of that lineage. Apparently God decided that last night was the most opportune time to reveal this to me. After recovering from my initial shock, I asked Darrel, "Am I a worrier?" He laughingly, lovingly answered, "Well, yes." As I went to bed last night I began to ask God how it was that I had missed this for so long. He in turn began to show me the forms my worrying takes. Usually my mind will begin to resemble a revolving door, going from one issue or problem or task to the next until my face looks like Kelsey trying to wear my blush stick and my eyes get glassy... I just never really saw this process as worrying.

Now I know my mom reads this blog, but I'm going to be honest here. I don't blame anyone in particular for the way that I am - I'm a big girl and I make my own choices. Besides that, there's never any sense in assigning blame in any situation. It simply doesn't help. I grew up in a home where the positive sides of things were not necessarily expressed. We tended to focus on the negative, always afraid that if we revelled in the positive too much, it might jinx things. It is surprising how much of the church today lives in this type of superstition. We think that if we're too happy or too positive, we'll hack God off or something and He'll take it all away. I remember thinking for most of our lives that we were on the brink of utter financial ruin at all times. That we were the poorest of the poor. It wasn't until after Jonah was born that I had the revelation that things weren't that bad. That we were actually quite comfortable growing up. It was hard for me to see that most of it was simply a wrong frame of mind. Again, I don't blame them - they were raised in much the same way I think.

I listened as Joel Osteen shared a story about two farmers last night. One farmer was a negative thinker, the other a positive thinker. Each farmer would plant his crop and watch as it grew. When the rains came, the negative farmer said, "Well, it will probably cause too much moisture and the crops will fail" while the positive farmer said, "Thank you, God for the rain so I don't have to water my crops myself." When the sun came out, the negative farmer said, "Well, now it will be too dry and the crops will shrivel up and fail" while the positive farmer said, "Thank you, God for the sunshine that will cause my crops to grow." One day the two farmers decided to go hunting to try out the new bird dog the positive farmer had bought. Once in the boat, the positive farmer took aim at a bird and shot it down. "Watch what this dog can do," said the positive farmer. The dog jumped out of the boat and ran on top of the water to the shore, grabbed the bird, ran back over the top of the water and jumped back in the boat. "Wasn't that amazing?" asked the positive farmer. All the negative farmer had to say was "Well, I knew it - that dog can't even swim!" Which farmer do you think was more successful in his ventures?

I realized I have spent most of my life looking at the negative side of things - focusing and yes, worrying about how things would work out, how we would ever make it, and letting the "what if's" rule my life. Right there in my bed I asked God to forgive me for being such a worrier and for choosing to have a negative perspective. No more will I be afraid to speak positively about my life and our circumstances because I am afraid I will somehow tempt God and lose everything. I know my God better than that! I know He loves me and that it's not in His nature to turn on His children. Pastor Joel made a comment that has stuck with me all day. He said, "Negative people focus on their giants, positive people focus on their God." When Moses sent out the twelve spies to scope out the land of Canaan, ten of them came back with a negative report of giants in the land that were too big to conquer. But two came back with a positive report - Joshua & Caleb. Sure there were giants, but they believed that God was bigger than them! They knew that the benefits of the land were worth fighting for and that with God, they would be victorious! They were focused on their God!

I am determined to walk on this new level of trust in my God. I want to throw off this sin of worrying and negative thinking that so easily entangles me and run with perseverance the race set before me. Father, help me to focus on You - Your greatness, Your power, Your glory! Fill me with Your Spirit so I won't walk in this flesh any longer. Give me grace and strength to rise above. I love You, Jesus!