The Jerk

I've been a jerk this week. Not just your ordinary jerk, however - I've been a royal pain in the...well you know what. And the sad thing is that the people I've hurt the most are the ones I love the most. It's not like I have any real excuse either. I guess if I had to have one, I could blame the fact that I was worried about getting the test results back from a mole I had removed. But now that I have had my stitches taken out and I know the tests came back negative, that excuse seems a bit lame. I could chalk it up to hormones...oh yeah, I had that all taken care of last month. Dang, it seems that I've just simply been a jerk in a bad mood with no excuses.

I've been thinking about my attitude all night and most of the morning. I decided to quit being such a hard butt about school - the kids have dubbed me the drill sargent already this year which is about two months earlier than they usually do. I've been barking, biting, cutting, snyde, sarcastic, pushy, and the list goes on and on. So today we took a much needed day off and I am letting the kids play outside in the gorgeous fall weather we are enjoying right now. They are ecstatic and are having fun on the trampoline - at least I think that's what the screams I am hearing are from...

This week was an excellent opportunity for God to begin to show me some things about myself through His ever-patient and persistent Holy Spirit. I am not walking in love. Duh...you say. That is deserved - but I am thinking that He wants me to pursue this thought a little deeper. Just what exactly does it mean to walk in love? We've been discussing it off and on through this blog over the months. Most of us would say it is being polite, kind, respectful, tolerant, nice, etc. And it is all these things. But still I think God is trying to get me to dig deeper. There is a song the kids like to sing "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. He says, "I spoke sweeter and I loved deeper and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying." That song has haunted me over the past week. As I fretted over whether I would have some sort of skin cancer or not, I came face to face once again with my mortality. Did I want my kids to remember me like I was this week? Not a chance. What about those people in my life and the ones just passing through? How would they feel about me? Would they know how much I loved Jesus or would they think I'm just a big selfish jerk?

Jesus said to his disciples in John 14:34-35, "I give you a new commandment; that you should love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too should love one antoher. By this shall all [men] know that you are My disciples, if you love one another [if you keep on showing love among yourselves]." The Pharisees asked Jesus in Matthew 22: 36-40, "Teacher, which kind of commandment is great and important (the principal kind) in the Law? [Some commandments are light - which are heavy?] And He replied to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (intellect). This is the great (most important, principal) and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself. These two commandments sum up and upon them depend all the Law and the Prophets."

I was blog surfing the other day and came upon a girl who was involved in the religion of Wicca. Even the name conjures up all kinds of disapproval among many Christians. But here's what got me. She was talking about how Christians were supposed to love - that this is what Jesus teaches - yet she and many others were severly judged and persecuted because of their choice of religion. God has been opening my eyes to what the majority of our country's population thinks about Christians. It is not favorable. They lump us together under the category of judgemental, right-wing, conservative, hellfire and brimstone preaching hypocrites. The very thing Christians do to others is being done to us. We watched Rob Bell's NOOMA series "Bullhorn" on Wednesday night for our Bible study. He was talking about this very thing. When are we going to put the bullhorn down and stop condemning people and pick up the basin and the towel and begin to serve others in love? Some people misunderstood his message and thought he was saying that there was no hell or that we shouldn't let people know that the wages of sin is death. He wasn't saying that at all. He was simply putting the ball in our court and asking us to pick it up and get in the game.

What does it mean to love? What did Jesus mean when He said that they would know we are His disciples by our love for one another? I think today most Christians are known by the political stance they take, or by the picket signs they carry, or by the long skirts and long sleeves they wear, or by their hair do's or lack thereof. They may be known as Christians, but Jesus didn't say "Christians" - He said that they would know we are His disciples. Jesus didn't say that we would be known as His disciples because of our haughty, snotty, disapproving looks at those who are not like us. He didn't say that they would know us because we didn't drink, smoke, cuss, or chew and because we didn't run with those who do. He didn't even say that we would be known as His disciples because we did those things in the name of grace and freedom. People are not going to recognize us as disciples of Jesus because we are free to have a beer and smoke a cigarette. We make Jesus all about some of the most petty things. It's deeper than that. He says people are going to notice something different about us because we love and serve others unselfishly. Because out of love we show people respect and honor even when they don't deserve it. Because out of love we choose not to argue or complain. Because out of love we give beyond our resources. Because out of love we lay down our lives and give up our rights on behalf of others. These are the things people will notice. No one will ever remember our soapboxes or sermons. They will, however, remember the tone of those soapboxes and sermons. Did we speak sweet? Did we love deep? Did we give forgiveness easily? These are the important things.

So in the end, my week of being a selfish jerk did more harm than I could imagine to those in my life. I got up this morning and apologized to my husband and to my children for the way I had behaved this week. They quickly, lovingly, and lavishly granted me forgiveness. I am so grateful. I am making a committment to try once again to speak sweeter, love deeper, and give forgiveness. I am going to live like I was dying, because after all, isn't that what we are doing? We are not promised a tomorrow no matter how young or old, healthy or sick we are. To those who judge and condemn and argue with others in the name of Christ...grow up. To those who are being jerks like me...grow up. Let's get past all the petty stuff and be about our Father's business. Let's pour our lives out for others as an offering to God. Let's lay down our rights and our lofty ideas and arguments. Let's be about something really important - loving those people around us, offering them acceptance no matter what their beliefs, serving them and giving to them beyond our resources, dropping the "holy" act and allowing the true righteousness of Christ to transform us into something totally unrecognizable...something just like Jesus.