A Sensitive Topic

Time eludes me...I don't have to tell you how sorry I am that I haven't blogged for so long. There's probably no one left that still reads this blog. Anyway, for whoever is out there, I will jot down a few thoughts. I think I have been avoiding this leg of the story because it's something I have struggled with for most of my life. I still do at times.

The stress of Jonah's birth plus the tension of having a preemie newborn that screamed all the time and had to be hooked up to an apnea monitor for five months took it's toll on Darrel and me. Our relationship was stressed to the max - not only with family troubles, but with trying to manage the church as well. I was dealing with a lot of anger at the time - it's no secret that my dad and I had a turbulent relationship. I had been through quite a lot in the past with my oldest sister's issues, and the enemy had tormented me for a long time that I would have the same troubles. I know now that traumatic circumstances and stress can bring issues to the surface that we sometimes suppress. We knew nothing at that time about post-partum depression, but I have a feeling now that I was dealing with that as well.

We made it through a horrific Christmas, warding off divorce by sheer willpower. We were so poor at the time - we had no money for propane and it was sooooo cold! It snowed like crazy. We had blankets over the doors and windows to keep the heat from the space heaters inside. My help had all gone home, and I was struggling with Kelsey not feeling like I was her mother and Jonah not progressing as fast as he should. Spring finally came. But with the warmer temperatures, my heart only got colder. Now what I am going to write next is not something I am not proud of. In fact it makes me sick to even see it in writing. So, at the risk of losing approval from some, I will share it with you.

Darrel and I had taken the kids and gone to Leavenworth to buy groceries. My paranoia was at an all-time high. Darrel and I were arguing and he told me to just go in and get the groceries while he stayed out in the van with the kids. Well, something in my head just went off. I convinced myself that Darrel was going to leave me there and take the kids if I went in by myself. So he said he would go in and get the groceries. Well, again I knew there was some sinister plan afoot. In frustration and desperation, Darrel said we were leaving - not only the parking lot and the town, but that we were packing up and leaving that day for Lamar. I will try to expain my thoughts - what I perceived him to say was, "Diane, you've messed up my one chance at ministry and now because of you, we will have to abandon our calling and go home." I went absolutely balistic. Postal. Whatever you want to call it. It must have scared Darrel, because he turned the van around in the middle of the highway and headed towards Kansas City to take me to the hospital. I still remember my precious babies in the back crying - it haunts me to this day. We came to a bridge just outside of Leavenworth. I told Darrel that I would stop if he would take me home. He wouldn't. So calmly I reached down for the van door and opened it. It is all so surreal - I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. All I can say it the hand of God reached down through Darrel and grabbed me as I began to fall out of the van. The moment he touched me, I think I came back to myself. He talked me into shutting the door. The kids were screaming by this point - again another haunting memory. Darrel said he would turn around if I would promise to go to some kind of counseling. Well, of course I said I would. I was calm all the way home. When we got home, I crashed and slept for a while. When I woke up, I could hear Darrel on the phone. I got up and thought I could please him by making his favorite dinner. I knew if I could just make him happy with me, that he would forget everything that had happened that day. Well, he was on to me...I realized that he was talking to a pastor friend of my brother-in-law's about scheduling some counseling with a woman in Liberty, MO. I snapped again - grabbed a bottle of pills and headed out the door. Darrel dropped the phone and tackled me on the front lawn. Great eye candy for the church ladies living across the street, I'm sure...

I promised again that I would calm down. But you need to see that the enemy was having such a heyday with my mind. I was so paranoid that there was a plot to commit me and take the kids away. I just knew that Darrel had some other perfect woman lined up to replace me - if only he could get me committed involuntarily so he could divorce me. I even allied with my dad on the phone and convinced him that Darrel was out to get me. It was the worst day of my life. It will be burned into my memory forever. The whole time I just kept thinking how bad I was messing up my kids. I think of the verses of scripture that say, "O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death? O thank God! [He will!] through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One) our Lord! So then indeed I, of myself with the mind and heart, serve the Law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin." Romans 7:24-25.

The next verse describes what I had to deal with next. Romans 8:1-2 says, "Therefore, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life [which is] in Christ Jesus [the law of our new being] has freed me from the law of sin and death." We made it through that awful day and several days after that. I agreed to go see the counselor that our friend Pastor Nathan had suggested. It was going to prove to be one of the most influential times in my life. Our first meeting, Regina asked me to tell my story. Then she looked at me with those serious eyes and said the most profound thing I have ever heard in my life - something I've repeated to my "girls" over and over again since then: she said, "Diane, that's awful. No one should have had to grow up with those kinds of things happening. But now you're an adult - you have been for many years - and it's time that you realized that you make your own decisions and that you are sinning." You could have knocked me over with a pin. I couldn't belive my ears - how dare she! She was taking away my only security blanket - the fact that I could go on blaming everyone else for what was wrong in my life and never take responsibility for it myself. Wow. Then she told me that she would not tolerate parent-bashing, and that she wanted me to be out of here in a few months. No years and years of rehashing and self-pity. Just getting things squared away and new thought patterns in process. How amazing! She very lovingly taught me through scripture how Jesus sees me and how I can change the destructive thought process based on lies to biblical patterns based on truth. She helped me realize that I was not alone - that many of her patients over the years had been pastors and pastor's wives. That people in ministry often deal with the same issues. It would prove to be a springboard into the ministry that Darrel and I are involved in today. I love Regina - she is a valued and trusted sister in the Lord. I still email back and forth with her.

Darrel and I left Potter later that summer. We came home to Lamar in time to celebrate Jonah's first birthday. He was completely caught up as far as walking, talking, etc. by the time he was a year and a half. His eyesight is pretty normal - he has reading glasses. There are no long-term effects from the prematurity. That stormy time has served to remind me that the storm is not my reality. That there is always a clear sky somewhere above it all. That God can use anything in my life if I will let Him. That forgiveness is not only possible, it is an inevitable step we must take if we want to be free and minister freedom to others.

I will leave you with one more scripture from 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement), Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction), so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort (consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God."

I love you all - thanks for sticking through these past few blogs with me - they've been tough. It's the first time I've every written it all out. You guys are awesome.

Now on to more exciting topics...!