Just Thinking Tonght

My mind is full of many thoughts tonight. I am thinking about how proud I am of Kelsey and Jonah - tonght was their Sunday School Christmas Program. I am thinking about how much I love the way our Christmas Tree looks in the living room when it's dark. I am thinking how I love the movie on TBS right now - Forrest Gump. I am thinking about how handsome Darrel looks now that he's growing "pork chops" and spiking his hair. But mostly I am thinking about those who have been a part of my life at one time and for one reason or another are no longer here. I am remembering my Grandpa Dumm, who was more like a father to me than a grandfather. I am remembering walking the lane between our house and his, coming right in the house without knocking, impressing him with anything I said, and eating vanilla ice cream that came out of the pink and yellow box in those wonderful blue and pink flower bowls. I am thinking about how much I miss visiting with my friend Tess. How every Christmas in college we would break out Brenda Lee's Christmas tape and sing "It's a marshmallow world made for lovers..." I am missing the laughs and fun we used to have during the holidays down at my gradparents' house on Bull Shoals Lake with my cousins and aunts and uncles. How I miss having my cousin in my life.

I am thinking about how much I loved my horse when I was a kid and how I wish I could share that with Kelsey now. I am remembering a certain Christmas when I got a Barbie cruise ship and a game that was shaped like a shark and you had to reach in and get things out of his mouth with a stick before his teeth clamped down on the stick. I loved those presents. I am thinking about the time when I was about 8 or so when I know I heard Santa and reindeer hooves on the roof above my bed upstairs. (You can't talk me out of it - I heard it plain as day!) I am thinking about my Grandpa Dumm's friend, Dale Tandy, who had Parkinson's and lived in California. He used to come and visit and stay a long time. He was like a second Grandpa to me. He brought me a jockey cap and whip from the racetrack in California. I am thinking about my Aunt Hazel who loved music and family. I am thinking about all my wonderful friends who I seldom get to see - Tanya, Amy, Jerry, Judy, Janet, Jeff.

Tonight I am keenly missing my sister, Susan. I miss looking forward to seeing her and her family over the holidays. I miss standing around her kitchen counters talking and laughing. I miss visiting with her about what's going on in my life and in hers. I miss hearing about the kids and what's going on with them. I miss sharing the cute stories of things my kids have done or said. I miss seeing my whole family together laughing and having fun. I miss playing African Rummy with her and Debbie and my mom. I just miss seeing her face. I wish things would change and she would find the grace to let us all back in. I love her.

The holidays tend to bring these times of reflection and remembering. Maybe it's the fact that I've lived in the kitchen the past week. Maybe it's the stress of working our asses off and still not making ends meet let alone have anything left over for Christmas. I'm not sure I know what brings these dark moods into my life. Sometimes I think God allows these times to help me draw closer to Him - to entice me to search Him out and find my answers in His love.

I'm going to stop thinking and lose myself in another episode of CSI: Miami. Then I am going to bed. Then I am going back out to the kitchen to cater. Again. And I am thankful.