The Year of Freedom

I sincerely hope that you all had a fantastic holiday season! Ours was hectic and stressful at the first, but ended up this week as relaxing. Now we're back in the swing with school and work. I have been contemplating a passage from the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. In it, he is relating the story of his friend, Rick, who after being saved was discouraged by his own inability to be perfect and so attempted to take his own life.

"Rick tells me, looking back, that he was too proud to receive free grace from God. He didn't know how to life within a system where nobody owes anybody else anything. And the harder it was for Rick to pay God back, the more he wanted to hide. God was his loan shark, so to speak. Though he understood that God wanted nothing in return, his mind could not communicate this fact to his heart, so his life was something like torture.

For a very long time, I could not understand why some people have no trouble accepting the grace of God while others experience immense difficulty. I counted myself as one of the ones who had trouble. I would hear about grace, read about grace, and even sing about grace, but accepting grace is an action I could not understand. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sin, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. More than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness, as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other.

Enlightenment came in an unexpected place: a grocery store. I was on my way over Mount Hood to spend some time in the high desert with a few friends. I was driving alone and decided to stop in at Safeway to pick up some provisions for the weekend. While standing in line at the checkout counter, the lady in front of me pulled out food stamps to pay for her groceries. I had never seen food stamps before. They were more colorful than I imagined and looked more like money than stamps. It was obvious as she unfolded the currency that she, I, and the checkout girl were quite uncomfortable with the interaction. I wished there was something I could do. I wished I could pay for her groceries myself, but to do so would have been to cause a greater scene. The checkout girl quickly performed her job, signing and verifying a few documents, then filed the lady through the line. The woman never lifted her head as she organized her bags of groceries and set them into her cart. She walked away from the checkout stand in the sort of stiff movements a person uses when they know they are being watched.

On the drive over the mountain that afternoon, I realized that it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me. Somehow I had come to believe that because a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that. I wanted to buy her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away.

I wonder what it would be like to use food stamps for a month. I wonder how that would feel, standing in line at the grocery store, pulling from my wallet the bright currency of poverty, feeling the probing eyes of the customers as they studied my clothes and the items in my cart: frozen pizza, name-brand milk, coffee. I would want to explain to them that I have a good job and make good money. I love to give charity, but I don't want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace.

A few years ago I was listing prayer requests to a friend. As I listed my requests, I mentioned many of my friends and family but never spoke about my personal problems. My friend candidly asked me to reveal my own struggles, but I told him no, that my problems weren't that bad. My friend answered quickly, in the voice of a confident teacher, 'Don, you are not above the charity of God.' In that instant he revealed my motives were not noble, they were prideful. It wasn't that I cared about my friends more than myself, it was that I believed I was above the grace of God.

Like Rick, I am too prideful to accept the grace of God. It isn't that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that I want to earn my own way so I won't be charity.

As I drove over the mountain that afternoon, realizing I was too proud to receive God's grace, I was humbled. Who am I to think myself above God's charity? And why would I forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?"

After chewing on this thought for the past couple of weeks I have come to this conclusion: not only do I have trouble receiving the grace of God in my own life, I have trouble extending that same grace to others. Because of my insecurity and feelings of failure, I in turn look upon others with a critical eye, feeling like they owe me something or owe God something.

A man that works in the shop at the car dealership where Darrel works had come upon some hard times. His wife was scheduled to have their baby in a nearby town and they did not have the money to pay for the gas to get there. They had no family to take them. He humbly went to one of the other employees and asked to borrow $20. As it was close to payday, the employee didn't have it to give either and went to Darrel to ask if he could lend the man some money. Well, Darrel went around to all the employees and rounded up over $100 for the man. They also had a baby shower for his family that week. It was awesome to see people give so freely to this family. But one thing clouded the experience. One of the employees, who confesses Christianity, pronounced a quick and harsh judgement upon the man and supposed that he would spend the money unwisely due to the fact that he obviously wasted money every day on chewing tobacco. He gave five dollars. After Darrel took a deep breath, he said that he was sure glad God didn't base His blessings on how we managed them - we probably shouldn't have electricity in our homes due to the fact that we waste so much during the day, or we probably should have gas in our vehicles or have vehicles at all because we don't always take the most time-saving routes in order to save gas. How ridiculous! We all know in our minds that God's kingdom doesn't work that way, yet everyday we withold from others because they do not behave the way we think they should. We think they owe something.

Let's close with words from Jesus' mouth. In Matthew 10, Jesus had called all the disciples together and had given them power and authority over unclean spirits and to cure all kinds of diseases and weaknesses and infirmities. Then He sent them out to the people telling them to proclaim that the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Then in verse 8 He says, "Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, drive out demons. Freely (without pay) you have received, freely (without charge) give." He gives us the same charge today. Proclaim that His kingdom is at hand, then live the kingdom out for others.

I know this has been a long post, but I hope you are catching what I am seeing in my own life. As we look back over our lives, for some of us it is easy to gloss over our own neediness - sometimes we like to wear it like a badge of honor - "oh, I am the lowliest of sinners..." whatever! You know what I'm talking about. We like to think that we are above the grace of God - that we are above His charity. But if we look closely, we will find that we are in fact desperate for God's charity. We have been given this grace freely - we cannot earn it or pay it back - God doesn't expect us to. We don't owe anything. God does not stand over us demanding that we now do it His way because of all He has done for us. I think it's more like this: as we begin to grow in our relationship with Him, we become more and more like Him - his spiritual DNA takes over our old fleshly DNA so to speak. In this process, we find the consequences to sin in our daily lives are not profitable. We find the consequences of obedience and love are quite profitable. Just like we teach our children, God teaches us. He does not "expect" or "demand" that we obey because He did something nice for us. That's not relationship. That's manipulation. Black mail. Call it what you want.

Now as we embark on this new year of 2006, I want to challenge you and myself to make a resolution. I've never been one to make resolutions because I always break them. But in this case, let's make this one together - that we will freely give as we have freely received. Whether it is love, grace, forgiveness, or worldly possessions. Whatever the need is in someone's life, give freely without expecting anything in return. Don't demand that the person be a good steward of what you have given. Don't demand that they act a certain way to deserve your gift. Don't attach a "to-do" list for the recipient. Just give freely. Then we will see Luke 6:38 come to pass in our lives: "Give, and [gifts] will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will they pour into [the pouch formed by] the bosom [of your robe and used as a bag]. For with the measure you deal out [with the measure you use when you confer benefits on others], it will be measured back to you."

Have a free new year. Allow others to have the same. Thanks for hangin' out with me for a while.