A Hectic Week

Sorry there have been no new posts lately - we've been so busy! Last week was a big week for our town - the annual Lamar Fair. Fair week is crazy for us. Wednesday night is the only night we can take the kids to ride the rides, although this year Holly and Aaron took them because Darrel was smoking meat for a catering on Saturday and I was putting together the used car poster boards for the Gilkey's booth at the fair. The group I sing with, RPM, puts on a concert on Thursday night at the local auditorium. This year the Rev 375 Band (plus Randy Graham) played for us - it was incredible to hear our original songs that way and be able to perform them the way we want to! Our 50's set was a huge success due to Debbie's awesome poodle skirts! The worship set absolutely rocked - the guys were great! Friday night, my mom and dad had us cater their 50th Class Reunion and RPM did our 50's set for them as well. Then our friends from Springfield, Scott & Patrese and their kids Madison & Marlea, came down to ride rides after we finished. Of course we had just got the kids their ride bracelets and they had just sat down on their first ride when it began to pour down rain! We made a run for a local store awning and stood there drenched for an hour and a half while it poured. Eventually Brandon came (in his new chick-magnet caddy no less) and picked us up to take us back to our cars. We went back to the house and watched part of National Treasure and then they left to go back to Springfield. Saturday we put together an awesome float for the Rotary Parade. We had a generator and a great sound system loaned to us by Randy. We blasted our own Rev 375 Mix, Brandon held the cross on the trailer while some rode with him and others walked passing out Rev 375 cards. It was great - the people seemed to love it! Then we catered a wedding reception with Doug and Brandon and later that evening went to my 20th class reunion. That was kind of fun. I got to see some people I hadn't seen in a while. Mostly I visited with Wendy Schiltz. We left early so we could take the kids to the fair one last time. Jonah was so traumatized by the storm the night before that he decided to go home with Gary & Lois to Joplin and spend the night so "that way I won't HAVE to go to the fair tonight!" Honestly, I don't think there has ever been a kid in the history of the Lamar Fair make that statement. WHATEVER!!!!

Yesterday, we crashed after church and finally woke up just in time to get to the movie the Baptist Church puts on every year after the fair. It was a Billy Graham film called, "Last Flight Out". It was really good. We enjoyed hearing from a young woman from Albania Sunday morning who is part of a church that our church supports. She was talking about how hard it is for young adults to stay in church once they reach a certain age. I got to talk to her after services and was telling her how we see the same thing here in the states. It's funny how the enemy uses the same kind of devices to keep this generation away from God no matter where they live.

I've got to get off here and begin my slow pick-up of the house. It has become trashed this last week. I am doing well from my surgery and have so much energy! I just have to pace myself and remember not to lift yet...I will be so glad when I can lift again! We'll talk again soon! Have a great day...

My Prodigal Ways

I don't like me today...I would like to be someone else for a while if you don't mind. As the introspection continues today, I find even more undesireable traits hidden deep within my heart ready to bubble out and overflow when provoked. As I have pondered my past today, I find things resurfacing that I thought were conquered years ago. What I am coming to see is that I did conquer them on a lesser level - I think that each time God asks us to take a step up to a higher level of maturity in Him, we find some of the same struggles we faced before. As we grow, we are able to delve deeper into some of these issues. I would never ask my children to solve the national debt - however I would ask them to be responsible to spend their $2.50 wisely at the summer movie. As they reach adulthood, their ability to solve greater and deeper problems grows too!

In Luke, chapter 15, Jesus tells a story about a family. This man had two sons. The younger son came to the father and asked for his inheritance early. The father gave it to him, and the son took off to live life the way he wanted, by his own agenda. He has a bad experience and soon realizes that he made a mistake. After losing all his money and friends, he decides to return to his father in hopes that he can at least be a servant in the household. The father, who has been watching for his son's return, excitedly welcomes his son back home. He dresses the son in nice clothes, puts a ring on his finger, gives him nice shoes, and throws a party for all of his friends. He is so excited that his son who was dead is now alive again!

Now, let me start with verse 25. "But his older son was in the field; and as he returned and came near the house, he heard music and dancing. And having called one of the servant [boys] to him, he began to ask what this meant. And he said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed that [wheat-] fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and well.' But the [elder brother] was angry [with deep-seated wrath] and resolved not to go in. Then his father came out and began to plead with him, but he answered his father, 'Look! These many years I have served you, and I have never disobeyed your command. Yet you never gave me [so much as] a [little] kid, that I might revel and feast and be happy and make merry with my friends; but when this son of yours arrived, who has devoured your estate with immoral women, you have killed for him that [wheat-fattened] calf!' And the father said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But it was fitting to make merry, to revel and feast and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and is alive again! He was lost and is found!' "

How many times do I react like the older brother towards my heavenly Father? Shamefully, it is more than I like to admit. Someone told me recently about a blessing they had received from God in an area where they had previously been disobedient. Immediately I felt slighted by my Father. "God," I complained, "Darrel and I have been faithful to You in this area ever since we married. Why don't you bless us like that?" There is a couple in our town who hurt us terribly many years ago, yet I am constantly hearing about how they are prospering financially. Why does that bother me so much? I don't want what they have - I wouldn't trade our lives for theirs for anything. I don't want to see them hurt or fail at what they pursue. I just have trouble understanding why it seems like disobedience is rewarded with blessing and obedience is overlooked or taken for granted. Now, my intellectual side knows that this is not a true statement. But my heart feels like it's true.

Let's look at what the father says to his son. The father realizes that he can depend on his older son to be there for him. The father has given him open-ended access to all that he has. He simply wishes that his older son could look outside himself for two seconds to be happy for his brother, who has had a heart change. Ouch...all my justifications for my bad attitudes seem pointless. Once again, I see how selfish I am. Only concerned about my own well-being. Can I not be happy for my brothers and sisters when they are blessed or when they have a heart change, no matter how small? Again, this is nothing new to me - I have known about this tendency in me for many years. I have repented and asked God to change me over and over again, and I believe that He has. It's just time to take it to the next level - kick it up a notch, if you will! I think what He's really asking for is a deeper commitment to pouring myself out for others. An even more passionate desire to lay my life down for my friends. A willing, ready, and able heart that has lost its life in order to find it. I believe He wants to utterly consume me - so that who I am disappears and Who He is shines through. As Warren Barfield sings, "I want to be mistaken for Jesus!"

Here are the words to that wonderful song:

I shouldn't have to tell you who I am, cause who I am should be speaking for itself
Cause if I am who I want to be, then who you see won't even be me
Oh the more and more I disappear, the more and more He becomes clear

Til everyone I talk to hears His voice, and everything I touch feels the warmth of His hand
Til everyone I meet sees Jesus in me, this is all I wanna be
I wanna be mistaken for Jesus, oh I wanna be mistaken

Do they only see who we are, when who we are should be pointing them to Christ
Cause we are who He chose to use, to spread the news of the way the truth and the life
Oh I want all I am to die, so all He is can come alive

May He touch with my hands, see through my eyes
May He speak through my lips, live through my life
I want Him to, I want Him to live

No matter how I appear on the outside or how I feel on the inside, this is my heart's cry. I hate these tendancies toward mistrust and jealousy and selfishness. Father, whatever it takes...

A Revelation

I had a personal revelation last night at Mosaic...I am a worrier. I come from a long line of worriers, but I never considered myself a part of that lineage. Apparently God decided that last night was the most opportune time to reveal this to me. After recovering from my initial shock, I asked Darrel, "Am I a worrier?" He laughingly, lovingly answered, "Well, yes." As I went to bed last night I began to ask God how it was that I had missed this for so long. He in turn began to show me the forms my worrying takes. Usually my mind will begin to resemble a revolving door, going from one issue or problem or task to the next until my face looks like Kelsey trying to wear my blush stick and my eyes get glassy... I just never really saw this process as worrying.

Now I know my mom reads this blog, but I'm going to be honest here. I don't blame anyone in particular for the way that I am - I'm a big girl and I make my own choices. Besides that, there's never any sense in assigning blame in any situation. It simply doesn't help. I grew up in a home where the positive sides of things were not necessarily expressed. We tended to focus on the negative, always afraid that if we revelled in the positive too much, it might jinx things. It is surprising how much of the church today lives in this type of superstition. We think that if we're too happy or too positive, we'll hack God off or something and He'll take it all away. I remember thinking for most of our lives that we were on the brink of utter financial ruin at all times. That we were the poorest of the poor. It wasn't until after Jonah was born that I had the revelation that things weren't that bad. That we were actually quite comfortable growing up. It was hard for me to see that most of it was simply a wrong frame of mind. Again, I don't blame them - they were raised in much the same way I think.

I listened as Joel Osteen shared a story about two farmers last night. One farmer was a negative thinker, the other a positive thinker. Each farmer would plant his crop and watch as it grew. When the rains came, the negative farmer said, "Well, it will probably cause too much moisture and the crops will fail" while the positive farmer said, "Thank you, God for the rain so I don't have to water my crops myself." When the sun came out, the negative farmer said, "Well, now it will be too dry and the crops will shrivel up and fail" while the positive farmer said, "Thank you, God for the sunshine that will cause my crops to grow." One day the two farmers decided to go hunting to try out the new bird dog the positive farmer had bought. Once in the boat, the positive farmer took aim at a bird and shot it down. "Watch what this dog can do," said the positive farmer. The dog jumped out of the boat and ran on top of the water to the shore, grabbed the bird, ran back over the top of the water and jumped back in the boat. "Wasn't that amazing?" asked the positive farmer. All the negative farmer had to say was "Well, I knew it - that dog can't even swim!" Which farmer do you think was more successful in his ventures?

I realized I have spent most of my life looking at the negative side of things - focusing and yes, worrying about how things would work out, how we would ever make it, and letting the "what if's" rule my life. Right there in my bed I asked God to forgive me for being such a worrier and for choosing to have a negative perspective. No more will I be afraid to speak positively about my life and our circumstances because I am afraid I will somehow tempt God and lose everything. I know my God better than that! I know He loves me and that it's not in His nature to turn on His children. Pastor Joel made a comment that has stuck with me all day. He said, "Negative people focus on their giants, positive people focus on their God." When Moses sent out the twelve spies to scope out the land of Canaan, ten of them came back with a negative report of giants in the land that were too big to conquer. But two came back with a positive report - Joshua & Caleb. Sure there were giants, but they believed that God was bigger than them! They knew that the benefits of the land were worth fighting for and that with God, they would be victorious! They were focused on their God!

I am determined to walk on this new level of trust in my God. I want to throw off this sin of worrying and negative thinking that so easily entangles me and run with perseverance the race set before me. Father, help me to focus on You - Your greatness, Your power, Your glory! Fill me with Your Spirit so I won't walk in this flesh any longer. Give me grace and strength to rise above. I love You, Jesus!

Business As Usual...Kind of

I want to start out by saying thank you to everyone who has been so wonderful to pray for us during the last week. I am doing so well - hardly any pain at all! In fact, this surgery has been a breeze for me - the hardest thing is staying down and not lifting! The kids are glad to be home (well, they are now anyway - at first they were sad to leave Grandma's!) and I am terribly glad to have them home. It's amazing how fast my living room becomes a hazardous area. I will be glad to be released to drive on Thursday ending my in-house arrest. We did get out to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Saturday evening. I highly recommend it. Darrel and I both enjoyed it as much as the kids. Boy was I glad I brought that drool rag for Jonah - he's like one of Pavlov's dogs - just the mention of Willy Wonka and his mouth is a slobber factory. His eyes bugged out of his head when he saw the scene where they entered the "edible" room. He's sure we can pull off a chocolate waterfall in the back yard...

Well, I'm going to get lunch ready without lifting anything over 4lbs. It's trickier than it sounds... We'll talk again later. Thanks again for all your prayers this week!

D-Day, or is it S-Day, or maybe H-Day...?

Well, today is the day - I am supposed to be at the hospital by 11am and then they'll do my surgery at 1pm. I am a little nervous and very thirsty! This no water thing is bad. I can handle no eating - that's easy, but at least give me an ice chip or something! Well, I will try to blog as often as I can. Say a prayer for me today if you think about it. Mainly say a prayer for Darrel and the kids. We'll talk again soon!

All's Well Again

Well, I am sitting here at my in-law's house, typing on my laptop, and all's well with my world again. The dogs are wrestling on the floor of the living room and the kids are wrestling with Uncle Brian in the family room. Ah...chaotic turmoil!

The kids came home Thursday evening no worse for wear. Well, except for Jonah, my Eyore. He informed me first thing off the bus that he didn't sleep all week. I'm sure it had nothing to do with my omission of blankey from the suitcase. When we got home, Jonah asked if it was ok that since he didn't use that new soap I sent with him could he put it in the shower? I have to admit it made me want to puke a little. I asked him, "Jonah, are you telling me that you didn't shower all week at camp?!?" and he promptly answered "I got wet, Mom, but the showers were FILTHY!" I also noticed that his new toothbrush, toothpaste, & shampoo hadn't been used either - well, no use in spoiling a perfectly new toothbrush! I did see that he had changed his underwear a few times during the week - that was a relief! Kelsey, on the other hand had used everything just like she was supposed to. There is such a difference between those boy creatures and those girlies!

To my horror, I learned that Jonah had been "porched" three times (there was a rumored fourth time I heard) for misbehavior - Oh My Gosh! I mean whose child is this? When I was a kid, I would have absolutely died if someone had gotten on to me for something. I know, I know - it's easy to say whose child he is - Darrel's! (Debbie Sheat is laughing right now...) I had made him promise before he left that he would be good - for mama's sake. A lot of good that did. I opened up his suitcase and I found more toys than I did the stuff I packed - Jonah had a good time shopping at the General Store!

Late that evening when we were on our way back to the house, a song came on the radio with the chorus that says, "I love you more than the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky..." From the back seat I heard a small boy's voice quietly say, "I love you more than the sun, Mom." From that moment on, all was well in my world. I am preparing to have surgery this Tuesday - a total hysterectomy. There have been many emotions to deal with in the last week as I contemplate my life. I am so thankful for my two beautiful children. I am so thankful for my incredible husband. I have wonderful families on both sides. I am thankful for my health and for the improved health I am going to enjoy in the years to come. I am thankful for the option of adoption should God decide to increase our little family. I am thankful for Jesus. For love. Someone made a comment about how women sometimes struggle with feeling like they are less of a woman after a hysterectomy. Well, all I need to hear is my little loneyboy say that he loves me more than the sun...to see the light in my little Kelsey-girl's eyes when she and I share a joke...to hear my lover whisper that my body is a wonderland while we listen to a little John Mayer and I couldn't feel more like a complete woman. I truly have it all.

I've got the too-much-time, quiet-house, kids-at-camp blues...

I am sitting here in my living room, in a chair that I never get to sit in, typing my blog and doing some laundry - and it's quiet. Normally that would alert me to the fact that there is a huge mess being concocted somewhere in the house or yard...but not today. I should be getting lunch around, answering a ba-jillion questions about what summer movie is playing today and what are we having for lunch and can we go to the pool. Silence is loud sometimes. My kids have been away at church camp since Sunday afternoon. It has been the longest three and a half days of my life. This is the first year for Jonah to go - actually the first time for Jonah to be away from me for this long. Oh, he's stayed with family and family friends before, but we've always called and visited several times a day. At this camp, there are no phone calls except in case of emergency. I wonder if bedtime is an emergency? I've wondered all week. Is insomnia due to worry because I forgot to pack his blanky enough to justify one measly phone call? Darrel assures me that it was God's hand of grace that I did not pack the blanky - a barracks full of boys and one with a blanky - someone's gettin' a can of whoop-butt opened on them tonight...

Ok, ok I understand. But it's a mama thing. You know, what bothers me the most is the possibility that he is having such a good time that he is not thinking about me at all. The ultimate mom-rejection. Kelsey has never been one to stay in one place very long. From the minute she was born, she was traveling - to the nursery, to my room, home, to Grandma's, wherever. She came equipped with this self-sufficiency that has baffled me and left me feeling a little left out ever since. During church this past Sunday, she leaned her head on my shoulder, looked up at me smiling and said, "I'm sure gonna miss you, Mom." She almost had me hook, line, and sinker - until I recognized that mischievious look in her eyes (the one that's just like her daddy's). I said, "Riiiiiight - I know you- it's gonna be party, party, par-tay the whole time!" She just giggled. I appreciated the effort to appease me, however. After Jonah had told us goodbye, hugged and kissed us for the fifteenth time that afternoon, I was sufficiently appeased.

Now most mothers would see this as the best week of the summer. No kids, time to myself, do all the things that I always wanted to do but couldn't. Well, I can't deny that there have been some wonderful moments - Darrel and I have enjoyed being on the lake Monday and Tuesday nights. But I have found that all those things I thought would be so fun have actually lost some sparkle without my kids. I guess you never realize how much something defines you until it's missing for a while. When I was in college, I would have raked you over the coals if you had suggested that I would one day define myself based on the role of motherhood. I had definite ideas about career and no children and serving myself and no one else. Now that I have all this time to devote strictly to what I want to do, it's just not fulfilling.

Darrel laughed at me this week - we were having bacon and tomato sandwiches for lunch and Darrel offered to bring some back for Jordan, a young man who works with him. He called in advance so I would fix enough for three. I innocently called back and asked if Jordan wanted his bread toasted, did he like white or wheat, would he want spicy mayo or regular, did he like his sandwich cut in rectangles or triangles, etc. Darrel said he hoped the kids got back soon - I was needing someone to "mother" really bad - of course I don't think Jordan minded being pampered a little! As this week comes to a close, I will be glad to have to type my blog with interruptions - I will be glad to hear those ba-jilllion questions - I will be especially glad to have my snuggle-buddies back. It's time to order school books for this year and I find myself anticipating another wild school year. I love my children with everything that is in me. I am so privileged to be able to be with them, to nurture them, to teach them, to hear their ideas and dreams, to share mine. They are the sunshine of my life - as Stevie Wonder sings.

I'll leave you with a little ditty...(come on, sing with me - you know you want to!)

Ba-badum-ba-dum...The house is too quiet
Ba-badum-ba-dum...I can hear myself think
Ba-badum-ba-dum...Kids are away at church camp
Ba-badum-ba-dum...No dishes in the sink

Ba-badum-ba-dum...I'm goin' a little crazy
Ba-badum-ba-dum...The house is too neat
Ba-badum-ba-dum...Darrel had to stop me at dinner
Ba-badum-ba-dum...From cuttin' up his meat!

I've got the lowdown, dirty...too-much-time, quiet-house, kids-at-camp blues
Oh yes I do
I've got the lowdown, dirty...too-much-time, quiet-house, kids-at-camp blues

Eat your heart out B.B. King